


love, ronan

by thor_odinson



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Love Simon Fusion, Angst, Fluff, Kinda, Love Simon, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 14:55:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18943252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thor_odinson/pseuds/thor_odinson
Summary: A stranger becomes a friend becomes something more and then everything changes.





	love, ronan

I’m driving Blue home from Gansey’s Halloween party. It’s almost one AM and I decide to tell her. I don't know why. I pull over on the road, turning off the engine. 

I take a deep breath, my heart hammering against my chest. I can't look at her as I try to formulate my words. My ears are ringing and I find it hard to think.

_ Say it. Just say it. It’s just two words. Two words.  _

But what if she rejects me? What if she  _ hates  _ me? 

_ Stop it _ . 

With one final breath, I look at her, though I don't meet her eyes. ‘Blue… I’m gay.’ I say, my voice quiet and reserved. 

Now that I've said it, I can breathe again, and meet her eyes, warm and friendly. ‘Oh,’ she says gently. 

‘But you can't tell anyone though,’ I tell her hurriedly before she can say anything else. ‘Nobody really knows and I don't really want people to find out.’

She shakes her head, that smile of hers creeping out. ‘I won't, I promise.’ 

I turn back to the road, resting my hands on the wheel. ‘Are you surprised?’ 

She takes a second before she speaks. ‘... No,’ she says. 

I frown. ‘So you knew?’

‘No!’ she exclaims. 

‘But you're not surprised?’ I ask her. 

‘Do you want me to be surprised?’ 

I turn the key in the ignition; hearing the engine roar into life does something to calm my soul, and I manage a smile. ‘I don't know,’ I say truthfully. 

‘Okay, well, I love you.’ 

I pause. She's got me. I start driving and then say, begrudgingly, ‘I love you too.’

\--

After driving Blue home, I flop onto my chair and I check my emails. Nothing from Owen since this afternoon.

I want to tell him about coming out to Blue; I feel like it’d be something that he'd like to know and it could help him with his own coming out too.

I pull up a new email and start typing. 

_ Owen, _

_ I did something today. It wasn't a very big thing, but it sure felt like it.  _

_ I came out. Not to everyone. Not publically.  _

_ Just to a friend. In my car.  _

_ I don't know what compelled me to say it. To just tell her, ‘I’m gay.’ It was far from easy. I almost lost my nerve and backed out. I probably would've tortured myself with ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ if I hadn't, though.  _

_ She said she was okay with it. She said she loved me. I still don't know if I wanted her to be surprised.  _

_ I guess… I guess I’m telling you this because we're so alike, you and I. And maybe, you might be able to relate to my experience, or maybe use it to help you in your own coming out. I don't know.  _

_ I hope your first coming out goes as well as mine. _

_ Love, Jacques. _

I go downstairs to eat dinner and spend time with Matthew and my parents for a bit. I come back later that night to see that Owen has replied:

_ Jacques, _

_ I want you to know that I'm really proud of you. Coming out takes a lot of courage. Like you, I wish we didn't  _ have _ to come out but in this day and age, that's impossible, so I'm really happy that your friend took it well.  _

_ As for me, my first coming out hasn't happened yet. Not to anyone who knows who “Owen” is, anyway. I, too, hope it goes as well as yours did, but only time will tell.  _

_ Thanks for confiding in me, Jacques.  _

_ Love, Owen.  _

My face breaks out into a smile as I sit back and reread the email. I could have sat there drinking in those words forever, and I would have done exactly that, had my dad not knocked on my door to remind me not to stay up too late. 

I close my laptop and change into my pyjamas. With one final check of my phone, I flop onto my bed, closing my eyes. 

It doesn't take me long to fall asleep, not with Owen in my head. 

\--

At school the next day, I'm pretty preoccupied with a lot of stuff. Mainly, Owen and his emails. I haven't been able to get away from teachers long enough to check my emails and it's driving me a little crazy. 

So much so, that I don't notice an elbow digging into my sides at the lunch table. I turn to Blue, who gestures towards Gansey. I turn to him, and he says, ‘Can I have some fries, Ronan?’ He puts on that  _ damn  _ smile, and I nod, trying to hide a smile of my own.

‘Sure,’ I say, pushing my plate towards him. 

Just like that, he manages to take my attention away from Owen a bit. Or maybe he doesn't. Maybe he's managed to make sure even more of my attention is on Owen, because he could  _ be  _ Owen? 

I shake my head. That was bullshit. Total. Fucking. Bullshit. 

(I spent the rest of the day convincing myself that it was bullshit.) 

\--

_ ‘What can I do to get her, Ronan? Tell me what to do here,’ says Henry, walking in my footsteps.  _

_ I turn to face him, give him a sharp look. ‘Gee, I don't fucking know, Henry!’ He’s seriously pissing me off now. ‘Go big or go home!’  _

I can't look at Blue. The embarrassment and discomfort is too much to bear. I steal a glance at Adam and Helen, who grimace at me. Judging by their expressions, I'm pretty sure Blue is dying. 

The sniggers on my left somehow seem louder than the prat Henry. Apparently this is his idea of “go big or go home”. I scowl. I'm going to kill him. 

Blue stands. Awkwardly making her way past the people sitting in front of us, she stops at the barrier. 

‘Henry,’ she starts nervously. ‘I… I'm sorry. I don't… I don't like you. Like that. At all. I'm sorry.’ 

She doesn't stay to see his dejected face or hear the jeers that fill the air. 

\--

The second I refresh Aglionby Answers is when I see it. It’s right there at the top. 

In Henry’s post are several screenshots. I click on the very first one and my face falls. I know these emails. I sent them myself.  _ Oh god.  _ I scroll down to the very bottom of the post and the caption makes me ball my hands into fists. 

_ Proof that Ronan Lynch is gay right here, ladies and gents of Aglionby Academy! He’s been talking to a secret male pen pal. For several weeks. Maybe even months. Maybe this is what students of Aglionby should focus on instead of whatever happened with Henry Cheng at the football game.  _

I stare at my screen, disbelieving. A million different feelings rush through me. Anguish. Fear. Anger. So much so that staring at it feels like it’s burning my eyes. I slam the lid of my laptop down, but it does nothing. 

I still feel like screaming. Everything's going to go wrong now. They'll all know and  _ I didn't tell them.  _ It should have been  _ me _ .  _ I _ should have been the one to tell them. 

Then I hear a voice at my door. ‘I saw it,’ says Matthew in a small, hesitant tone. ‘I already got them to take it down.’ 

I stare at him. ‘But it doesn't matter! Everyone will have seen it already, and if by some miracle they haven't, then it’ll gotten around by lunchtime today!’ 

He walks further into my room, his expression sympathetic. ‘You could deny it?’ he offers. 

I stare at him blankly. ‘I—I’m not ashamed of it! Why would I wanna deny it?’ 

‘I just thought—’ 

‘No, Matthew!’ I yell. ‘You don’t  _ know  _ anything!’ 

Seeing him flinch at my harsh tone, I force myself to take a breath. ‘Please leave,’ I tell him quietly. 

‘Ronan…’ he pleads.

‘ _ Leave _ ,’ I say. 

His face crumples and I listen until his sobs quieten as he thunders down the stairs. 

My heart breaks further.

That’s when my phone starts blowing up with messages. Helen. Blue. Adam. Text after text after text. 

I can’t bring myself to face them now. Somehow it feels like the vibrations of my phone are numbing my hand, yet it takes some amount of effort to set it down and wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. 

I remember Owen, private and personal Owen. I don't know what'll happen to our relationship when he finally finds out that our emails have been leaked. I really,  _ really  _ don't want him to go.

I open my laptop again, close the Aglionby Answers tab before I have time to read it, and pull up my emails. But it’s too late. 

_ This account has been deactivated. _

Owen’s gone. Owen saw it. I bang my fist on the table.  _ Shit _ . 

I don't know what to do. I can't bring Owen back. I can't stop all these people knowing. I can't do  _ anything _ . 

So I do the only thing I know how, when things go wrong. I break completely. 

I let myself  _ feel _ everything. The pain, the frustration, the dread. It  _ hurts _ . Tears cascade down my cheeks as I sink to the floor, hands trembling, struggling to support my body. 

_ People know. I didn't tell them and they know. Owen is gone and now he'll never talk to me again.  _

Those are the only thoughts that go through my head. Over and over again. I don't know how to make them stop. 

I don't know how to make any of this stop. 

\--

My eyes open suddenly to the sun leaking in through my blinds. My mind is fuzzy and for a moment I'm confused as to what I'm doing on my floor. The clock says six forty five. I take a moment to wake fully, before the events of last night come flooding back. 

Now that I've cried the initial anguish out of my system, there's just the pain at the thought of a lost opportunity. The thought that my friends didn't hear it from  me first. The thought that they will never hear it from me first. 

Then I remember Matthew. He tried to help and I pushed him away. He tried to be there for me and I didn't give him the chance. I need to fix this. I can fix this. 

I stand, stretching my legs, easing away the pain of sleeping awkwardly on the floor. I take a breath and walk out of my room, walking down the hallway to where Matthew should be. 

I knock on his closed door and enter when I hear his voice. 

‘Hey, Matthew,’ I say sheepishly. 

He looks up from the drawing he's working on, lying stomach down on his bed; his expression is unreadable. ‘Hi,’ he says. 

‘Can we talk?’ 

He sits up, and nods to his desk chair. ‘Are you okay?’ he asks nervously. 

I exhale as I take a seat. ‘No, not really. But I didn't come here to talk about me. I came to say sorry for yelling at you yesterday. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry.’ 

He shrugs. ‘You were upset. I get it.'

‘That was no excuse to take it out on you,’ I tell him firmly. 

‘It's okay. I forgive you.’ He grins that toothy grin and the smile is contagious. 

I thank him. 

‘Don't sweat it,’ he says. ‘Wait, are you gonna tell Mom and Dad?’ 

I pause. This is going to be life-changing. ‘Yeah,’ I breathe. ‘Yeah I think I will.’ 

‘Alright. I'll be there with you. It’s okay.’ 

I smile at him. ‘Thanks, buddy. See you downstairs?’ 

‘Yeah, let me finish this section, I'll be down in fifteen.’ 

‘Sweet.’ I turn to leave, before he calls me back again. 

He throws his arms around my waist. ‘Merry Christmas. I love you, Ronan.’ 

I smile as I wrap my arms around him. ‘I love you too, buddy. Merry Christmas.’

\--

We’re halfway through giving out the presents and there’s a moment where everything is quiet, and I know this is my chance. 

I take a breath. Count to three. ‘Mom? Dad? I… have something to talk to you guys about.’ 

Matthew looks up at me. He gives me an almost imperceptible nod.  _ I can do this _ . 

‘What is it, Ronnie?’ says Mom, her voice concerned. 

‘I… I’m—I'm gay.’ My voice is quiet, and I can't look at them. ‘And… and I just needed you to know.’ 

‘Oh, Ronan.’ I look at my dad, see him with a serious face. ‘I'm really happy you felt you could tell us.’ He gives me a small, reassuring smile. ‘But also—’ he glances at Mom, ‘—I'm sorry you felt that you had to. I'm sorry you felt like this was something you needed to hide.’ 

I shrug. ‘You're okay with it,’ I say, rather surprised. 

Mom smiles softly at me. ‘Of  _ course _ . you're still you. You're still  _ our son _  and you are still the same son who I love to tease and who your father depends on for just about everything. And you're the same brother who always compliments his brother on his food, even when it sucks.

‘You get to exhale now, Ronan. You get to be more you than you have been in... in a very long time. You deserve everything you want.’ 

Matthew grins at me and I grin back, feeling my unease dissolving. 

_ I can do this.  _

\--

Standing in front of Helen, Adam, and Blue, with all of them defending themselves against me is unnerving. Strange. Hurtful. 

‘You did not have to  _ lie _ , Ronan,’ says Adam. ‘You did not have to make things up to save yourself. We would have helped you if you had told us the truth.’ 

‘We were here for you, Lynch. And you just pushed us away.’ Blue takes Adam’s hand and walks down the street, not looking back. 

Helen steps closer, though she keeps her distance. ‘Why did you set me up with Adam?’ she asks, wrapping her coat around her body. 

‘I… I thought you liked him?’

‘No. He's just my friend. I liked  _ you _ , Ronan.’ 

‘Oh. But I'm—’

‘I know. I wish you'd have told me first. I thought we were best friends?’ 

I inhale, then exhale, buying myself time. ‘That’s  _ exactly  _ why I didn't tell you first. Blue’s rejection would have hurt less. I've known you for so long that I… I couldn't risk losing you.’ 

‘Yeah, but I would have liked to know you trust me,’ she says dejectedly. 

‘I do!’ I protest, though I can see I'll get nowhere with this. 

She gives me a withering look, and walks off in the in direction of Blue and Adam. I stare after her, but it's no use. I know I've blown it. 

Suddenly it doesn't feel so strange or unnerving to have them defend themselves against me. I know I deserved it. 

\--

I'm in my room after a terrible day at school. I was ignored by Adam, Helen, and Blue, for one thing. For another thing, there was the dicks who decided to make fools of themselves when they tried to mock me. 

I somehow feel like I've had enough. 

I need to fix everything. I want to go back and undo all of it, undo ever emailing Owen, undo using the school computers. I want to undo lying to my friends. 

My friends. 

I know how I can fix everything with my friends. 

I open my laptop and pull up the Aglionby Answers page. Positioning my fingers over the keyboard, I pause. I need to think about this. 

It takes me half an hour to write a decent post. 

_ So, as I'm sure you've all read, or heard, I'm gay. While the delivery left something to be desired, the message was true. I am gay.  _

_ I'm not ashamed of it. Nor do I want to hide it anymore. Not that I had a choice in that, anyway. But I shouldn't have hurt anyone while I was hiding it, to keep it hidden.  _

_ I want to apologise to my friends for putting them through what I had. It was unfair and selfish and they didn't deserve it. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me.  _

_ And Owen? I'm sorry if you felt like you had to hide after I was careless. I’d still really like it if I could know who you are. So please, if you feel comfortable, meet me at the fairground after the school play. 10pm. I'll be waiting. Because you deserve a great love story too.  _

_ Love, Ronan.  _

Posting it, I feel a great weight lift off my shoulders. I've done my part, and now? 

Now I wait.

\--

Cabaret is over. Months of hard work was worth it. Finally. 

I'm in the dressing room, just finishing wiping the makeup off my face, when Adam, Blue, and Helen come round the corner into the room. 

I haven't spoken to them properly since that fateful day after the Christmas holidays. We're speaking a little more than we were back then but it's still not like it was before. 

‘Hey Ronan!’ says Blue as she bounds up to my chair. ‘You did real good up there!’ 

‘Oh,’ I say, not expecting this. ‘Thanks, Blue.’ I smile at her nervously. 

She smiles sheepishly. ‘Do you, uh, wanna go to the fair with us?’ 

I look around at the others; they have smiles on their faces. I guess it worked. 

‘Of course,’ I say happily, standing up. 

Blue pulls me into a hug, dragging Helen and Adam into it too. 

There’s a mutual agreement in that gesture that says  _ whatever happened is over now. Everything is okay.  _

I decide to ride the ferris wheel while I'm waiting for Owen. It's almost ten o’clock and my nerves are all over the place. He's still not here. 

The ride comes to an end, and the operator tells me that I have one more left. However, before he can start the ride, footsteps come bounding up, and Gansey stops at the foot of the ride. 

‘Can I sit there?’ he asks. 

‘Uh, yeah,’ I say slowly, my mind full of questions.

I shuffle to one side and Gansey sits down, smiling broadly. 

My mind clicks the pieces together and my face lights up as the wheel starts up again. Maybe it wasn’t total bullshit. ‘It's you!’ 

He laughs. ‘It’s me. I’m Owen,’ he breathes. I can tell he's nervous. ‘Are you disappointed?’ 

‘No,’ I say truthfully. ‘Not at all.’ 

I smile at him and somehow, everything feels right. Somehow, it feels like I've found what I was looking for. 

At the top of the cycle, Gansey leans in. I lean in with him, and my eyes close of their own instinct. Our lips meet halfway, and it's electric, exhilarating, explosive. It's everything I’d wished for and more. It's everything I’d dreamed of since I was small. My first kiss.

My hand moves to the side of his neck, and as we part, his eyes are shining. I'm acutely aware of the cheering crowd we've attracted down on the ground but I don't have it in me to care. They don't matter right now. 

As Gansey and I lean in once again, I let myself forget everything else, and get lost; lost in him and this very beautiful dream come true.   
  



End file.
